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jokes

Jay Angler

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posted 2 years ago

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A belt with a watch is a waist of time.

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Jay Angler

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posted 2 years ago

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What do you call an egg that goes. on safari? An eggs-plorer!

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Jay Angler

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posted 2 years ago

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Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.

Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much? he asked.

I'm not sure," said his friend, "but I think she's cramming for her finals."

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Dennis Barrow

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posted 2 years ago

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By the time my grandfather was my age,
he had already amassed 5 un-drivable cars,
3 blown up chainsaws, 143 bent T posts and
14 baby food jars of misc. nuts and bolts.

What am I even doing with my life. I have so much catching up to do!

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

K Eilander

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Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

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posted 2 years ago

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Helping my daughter with her English homework today. She says she wants to dress up as Santa Claus next yer for 4th of July.

If anybody asks she's an Independent Clause.

Be the shenanigans
you want to see in the world.

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Dennis Barrow

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because to them.... love means nothing.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems.

Then it occurred to me, I don't think I know 5 people without any problems.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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My obese parrot died today.

Sad news, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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I used to be a bookworm.
Then I discovered books on tape.
Now I'm a tapeworm.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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What is a common myth about your country that is 100% false, but people still believe it?

Romania. Many people believe we have vampires, but in my 700 years living here I haven't seen one.

I asked my mates back in the castle and they haven't seen any either, and they have been around longer than me.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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My mind is like a browser:
30 open tabs
5 are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 2 years ago

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Did you hear the one about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given a ticket for making a ewe turn?

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Jay Angler

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posted 2 years ago

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Did you hear about the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs?

It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 2 years ago

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“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

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Dennis Barrow

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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I was once married to a cross eyed woman.

What happened?

We just didn't see eye to eye on anything. Also, she was seeing someone on the side.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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I had a thought, but unfortunately I had a second thought.
They ricocheted off each other and I can't find either anymore.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 996

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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My ducks are absolutely not in a row.
I don't even know where some of them are......
And I am pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

master steward

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 2 years ago

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Boy’s definition of a waffle: “A pancake with a non-skid tread.”

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Jay Angler

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There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (…Only a fraction of people will get this joke.)

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Jay Angler

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After writing a speech for class, my daughter asked for input. I listened to her talk about sexually transmitted diseases, then gave my opinion.

“It’s great,” I said. “There’s one sentence in particular that I like.”

“Which one?” she asked.

“The one where you write, ‘The only way other than abstinence to be sure that you will not contract an STD is to remain in a monotonous relationship.'”

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Jeremy VanGelder

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Posts: 1881

Location: Proebstel, Washington, USDA Zone 6B

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posted 2 years ago

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What do the dandelions call their rock band?

Spin̈al Taproot

Tradition is not the worship of ashes, but the preservation of fire.

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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posted 2 years ago

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I honestly didn’t think I needed orthopedic shoes, but I stand corrected.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

John F Dean

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posted 2 years ago

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It must be a little chilly today. The neighbors kid saw my light on and stopped by when I was having coffee. I noticed his pants were pulled all the way up.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

John F Dean

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Anyway, he was looking for a smoke machine for a band he was forming. I offered him my Chevy pickup truck.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 996

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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posted 2 years ago

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My neighbors complained about me groaning to loud in the morning having sex.............
If they only knew I was just trying to put my socks on.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Dennis Barrow

pollinator

Posts: 996

Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

575

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posted 2 years ago

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Carla Burke

Rusticator

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Location: Missouri Ozarks

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posted 2 years ago

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THERE IS A FACTORY in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....."

"Your job is to give Elmo two TEST tickles.

"The only thing...more expensive than education is ignorance."~Ben Franklin. "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." ~ Plato

Dennis Barrow

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Location: 10 miles NW of Helena Montana

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I always say "thank you" to Alexa so that when AI becomes self-aware and takes over the world I will be spared enslavement.

Real funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes!

Jay Angler

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posted 2 years ago

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What’s red, orange and yellow and doesn’t get hurt when it falls?

Autumn leaves!

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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posted 2 years ago

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How do leaves travel from town to town?

In autumn-mobiles.

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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Why did the robot couple insist on being married in the fall?

They wanted to be fully autumn-mated.

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Jay Angler

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Location: Pacific Wet Coast

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What do Jedi trees say to each other?

May the forest be with you.

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K Eilander

gardener

Posts: 530

Location: Rocky Mountains, USA

330

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Most people have heard of Karl Marx due to Communism, but it's a shame how few people know of his little sister Anya, the famous Olympic runner. In fact, she is still honored today by being mentioned, by name, at the start of every race.

(Think about it...

)

Be the shenanigans
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Robert Ray

gardener

Posts: 3547

Location: Cascades of Oregon

1008

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why don't monsters eat ghosts?..............They taste like sheet.

Our inability to change everything should not stop us from changing what we can.

John F Dean

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Location: southern Illinois, USA

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I couldn’t sleep last night so I got up and turned on the TV. There were these people sitting around a table coming up with a great list of things to do for the coming weekend. Then I realized it was a religious channel listing sins.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

John F Dean

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A young Weasel walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “You look kind of young. I can’t serve you.” The weasel then asks what he can have. The bartender gives him the option of water, lemonade, or pop. “POP!” Goes the weasel.

The First Axiom of Life: Don’t do dumb things.

Jay Angler

master steward

Posts: 16195

Location: Pacific Wet Coast

10666

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